The Coitous Condundrum
by chunkeymonkey
Summary: Sheldon and Penny are dating. But they are having a "problem".


**I decided it was time for a little Sheldon/Penny naughtiness. Nothing explicit, just good, sexy fun.**

Penny had tried to keep it in, but it was slowly gnawing away at her. And the more she was around him, the more urgent and intense the feeling became. It was the waiting mixed with anticipation, but mostly the waiting. They had been together for almost two months now, and even though she had vowed to let the relationship take its course and not rush anything—after all, it was uncharted territory for both of them—things were starting to reach a climax. And certainly not the kind of climax she desired. She had needs, and for the first time started to wonder how a grown man could suppress _his_ needs so masterfully. Or, if he even had needs at all, since he hadn't seemed to have noticed anything remotely wrong or unsatisfying in how their relationship was progressing.

As she watched him dissect his sandwich, complaining about the ratio of bun size to condiment distribution, she decided to spring it on him, consequences be damned.

"Sheldon, we need to talk."

***

"Well, Penny wants coitous." Sheldon exclaimed as he burst in through the apartment door, announcing it to the room as if it was something he said everyday. He took his usual seat on the couch, oblivious to the stares that had followed him. Leonard gawked up at him from his laptop, his eyebrows furrowed together, and Howard and Raj stared in disbelief from where they had been engaged in a game of Halo. "I knew it was only a matter of time." He continued. "It is, after all, a normal biological response triggered by pheromones and our human need to propagate the species." He shrugged his shoulders. "Besides, who can resist this?" He dead panned.

"Okay." Leonard responded after a moment of wondering what to say. Sheldon and sex were two subjects not often discussed in the same conversation. And by not often it meant never. "You two have been dating for about two months now. I'd say it's pretty normal for the relationship to progress in a sexual way."

Howard, on the other hand, was less calm with the situation and he stood up, indignant. "You've managed to score a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you and you're _here_ and not over there?" He gesticulated wildly towards the door. "Get over there now! It's been two months—quit beating around the bush and start _beating around the bush_." He said in a low, seductive growl, his eyebrows pulsing up and down.

"Oh." Leonard groaned. "Bad sexual double entendre'. _Bad_."

"Yeah, I know. I kinda hate myself sometimes." Howard replied sheepishly, sitting back down on the couch.

"I can't believe Penny wants to sleep with you." Said Raj, twirling the game controller in his hand. "I thought after a few dates she would get over whatever head trauma or previously undetected mental illness she had that made her go out with you in the first place." He sighed deeply. "Are you sure it's really Penny who wants to sleep with you and not some Penny pod person? Or maybe a humanoid robot put on earth by some intelligent master race to keep pretty girls from mating with the Sheldon's of the world? Because that I would believe."

Sheldon ignored them both, and for the first time he looked genuinely anxious. "I just don't know what to do." He shook his head and slumped back into the armrest.

Leonard bit his bottom lip; he wasn't sure how to proceed. "Do you mean you don't know what to do because you….." His voice came out in a nasally squeak, but he was cut off before he could finish.

"Oh, of course I have." Sheldon waved him off dismissively.

"Oh, really?" Leonard replied, quite surprised. He wasn't the only one, as Howard and Raj exchanged glances.

"Of course I have had full disclosure on the mating process." Sheldon continued. "It was during a so called sexual education course during grade school. Nothing I didn't know already." He sniffed. "I offered my fifth grade teacher to take over the class when I realized her lack of understanding basic human anatomy." Sheldon's eye twitched. "She was not pleased."

"That's not what I meant."

"Yeah." Howard leaned towards Sheldon, his eyes gleaming with interest. "Have you ever done the horizontal mambo?"

"You know I don't dance."

"Have you ever taken a trip to O-ville?" He winked.

"Do you mean Oakland?"

"Made the beast with two backs?" Howard's eyebrows waggled, this time desperately as he realized they were not on the same wavelength.

"I feel like you are trying to infer something with your childish riddles."

"It's settled." Howard gave up with a flourish. "I think Sheldon here is just skilled in hand-to-hand combat, if ya know what I mean."

Leonard rolled his eyes. "He wants to know—_ever so subtly_—if you've ever, ya know…with a woman….ya know…" He cleared his throat, waiting for Sheldon to catch on. "Come on Sheldon," He whined. "Don't make me say it out loud."

"Oh, dear God. Are you asking me if I've ever engaged in sexual intercourse before?" Sheldon sprang upright in his seat, looking quite horrified.

Leonard bit his lip and nodded. Howard looked to Raj and Raj looked to Howard. The three of them waited with baited breath.

"It's not for lack of trying." Sheldon finally said after a few pensive moments, cutting the tension in the room. "There were a few girls here and there I found tolerable, but the sexual component of a relationship always mystified me. It seemed rather messy, complicated, and time consuming. Besides, I was always too busy with my academic and scientific endeavors. Soon, all thought of it fell by the wayside."

"So, you're a….." Leonard squeaked.

Sheldon felt their eyes burning into him. "Yes, yes. I am a virgin." He stood up quickly and lifted his head high. "Have your laughs now, because I won't be one for long."

"Really?" Howard shot up like a canon and hovered behind him. "You're gonna do it? You're gonna go over there right now and sleep with Penny? Are ya? Are ya?"

"Down boy." Raj quipped.

"Yes, I am." Sheldon said proudly, puffing out his slender chest out and striding towards the door. "I like Penny. I owe it to her." He opened the door wide and stepped halfway into the hall triumphantly. "I am gonna do it!"

"Well, good for you." Leonard smiled, albeit awkwardly. "Our little Sheldon is finally becoming a man!"

Howard grabbed his coat and headed after him to the door. "Well, ya know I want the full details later." He leered. "But as for right now, I have gotta go. I've got a date with Rosie Palm and he five sisters." He held up his right hand and one by one uncurled each finger slowly.

"And I've got a date to have _actual_ sexual intercourse with Penny!" Sheldon exclaimed just as the door across the hall opened and Penny, who was carrying a bag of garbage, heard everything. She made a disgusted face, rolled her eyes, took a step back into her apartment and slammed the door shut. Sheldon walked timidly back into the apartment. "Maybe tomorrow night."

***

A few nights later Penny found herself rolling around on her bed with Sheldon, his lanky limbs engulfing her as they tussled. They had started off kissing—which to Penny was never a problem. Oddly enough, for someone with so little inherent interest in sex he was an amazing kisser. So far it was one of the things that gotten her through their two sex-less months without going mad. Well, almost. But she found his other skills to be quite lacking, which was natural given how the other day he had confessed to being a virgin.

To say she was not surprised would be the understatement of the millennia.

But Penny truly liked Sheldon and was willing to overlook it. Besides, she knew that by getting involved with a guy like him that there was going to be certain difficulties to overcome. Right now though, their biggest difficulty to overcome was Sheldon's inability to unbutton her pants.

"No…no….hey…ouch…." Penny mumbled through his kisses as he struggled to undo the button of her jeans and instead kept pinching her skin. "Okay…yeah…there…wait…no…..ouch!" She groaned and broke his kiss, reaching down and pulling her jeans off herself in one swift motion. "There, much better." She smiled, looking up at him, but she could tell his thoughts were elsewhere as his eyes focused on the crumpled pair of jeans at the end of the bed. He mumbled something about being able to isolate isotopes, or something to that effect, but not being able to get a simple pair of clothing off. Penny knew she needed to get him to refocus.

Roughly she grabbed his neck and turned his attention back to her. She kissed him and he kissed back, but she could feel his hands groping now at the sleeves of her shirt.

"I'm….gonna…this.…off……last…..thing…..I……do…." Sheldon stammered through kisses, tugging on her shirt. And he was doing a fine job of removing it, sliding it up over her head, until the fabric got caught on Penny's earring. Sheldon, unaware of this, gave it another forceful tug and Penny cried out in pain. Her knee reflexively jerked upward, hitting him in the groin. He quickly let go of the shirt and fell over till he hit the floor with a thud.

"Are you okay?" Penny asked breathlessly, pulling her head back through her shirt and crawling over to the side of the bed. Sheldon was lying on floor in the fetal position; his face had lost all color.

"I don't know about this sexual component." He whined, his voice now at least three octaves higher. "It's not only messy, complicated, and time consuming—but it's dangerous too."

***

"Penny….Penny…Penny…."

Penny heard her name being called from the other side of the door, and by the sheer volume of times and the rhythm of the knocks, it couldn't have been anyone else. "Come on in Sheldon, its open." She called, stirring her coffee with a spoon. She shuffled over to the couch and plopped down as he entered, looking troubled.

"You leave your door unlocked and tell random strangers who knock to _just come on in_? That's not safe."

Penny rubbed the morning sleep from her eyes. "I knew you were coming by so yeah, I left it unlocked. And I knew it was you knocking."

"How did you know it was me?"

"You're kidding me right?" Penny yawned, it was too early on a Saturday morning to play his silly games, and she was too stressed out from lack of sex to care if she came off grumpy. "What's that?" She asked, sipping her coffee and pointing to the crumpled, brown paper bag clutched in his hand.

"This?" Sheldon lifted the bag and waved it excitedly. "This is the answer to all of our coitous related problems."

Penny's tired eyes grew wide and she sat at attention as he stood there with the bag, grinning wildly. Was it some sort of naughty toy? The thought of Sheldon in some sort of sex store blew her mind. She forced back a laugh, thinking of all the store employees he would surely traumatize with all of his questions. Maybe it was some sort of porn she wondered, hoping with all her might that they didn't make Star Trek themed porn. "So, uh, what is it?"

"Well, to solve all of our problems I did a little research." He unfolded the bag and pulled out the object.

As soon as Penny saw the glossy cover she sunk back into the couch, half relieved, but mostly frustrated. "_Cosmo_, Sheldon?"

Sheldon sat down next to her and smiled confidently. "This is the ultimate source to solve our sexual conundrum."

"Oh really?" She looked at him skeptically.

"Yes, this will solve all of our problems." He pointed to the headline. "_Fifty ways to spice up your sex life_." He said conversationally. "There are all sorts of ideas in here." He said, flipping through it. "Role playing, costumes, fun stuff to do with ice cubes…." He trailed off until he found the page he had been looking for. "And of course positions. Did you know that if a woman is at a certain angle to the man it is easier for him to hit the so called G-spot, which is a spongy…."

Penny grabbed him on the shoulder, urging him to stop. "I am familiar with it Sheldon, thank you." She set down her coffee and gave him a weak smile. She appreciated all of his efforts, they really were endearing, but he was getting a bit ahead of himself. "About spice, why don't we stick to cinnamon before jumping right to jalapeno, mmkay?"

Sheldon closed the magazine. "Jalapeno is a pepper, not a spice."

Penny waved her hands, conceding defeat rather then letting them get sidetracked. "Not the point here Sheldon. The point is, to spice up our sex life; technically, we need to have one first."

"Touché."

Penny sighed and wrapped her arm around his shoulder, resting her head on him. "We just have to keep trying, that's all. And hell, if all else fails we can rely on some strong booze."

"Actually, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant." He said quietly into her hair. "It actually makes it harder, for the man at least, to achieve and sustain a level of arousal."

Penny closed her eyes and simply smiled.

***

"Ooh, Sheldon." Penny called out, her voice lilting and seductive. She stepped out of the bedroom and towards the couch, where Sheldon was setting up his old Atari game console that his mother had sent over. "I've got a surprise for you." She twirled the fabric of her white, sheer skirt in her fingers and sauntered over behind him.

"I've got a surprise for you too!" He said with his back to her. He lifted up his right hand and waved a black, dusty cartridge in the air. "My Mom sent me Space Invaders!" He twirled around, and the glee on his face suddenly turned into confusion. "What are you doing? Are you having a costume party that I was unaware of? Because if so then I need to go home and air out my Iron Man costume."

Penny stepped back so that he could get the full effect. She tugged at the white dress and threw her shoulders back, feeling the red cape swoosh out behind her. "Do you like it?" She purred, adjusting the gold band that sat across her forehead and doing a little twirl so that he could see everything, right down to the white knee-high boots on her feet.

"This isn't the new Cheesecake Factory uniforms you've been telling me about, is it? I think it's a bit revealing for a family establishment if you ask me."

Penny rolled her eyes. "No, I'm She Ra." She said after a minute or two of Sheldon looking at her like she had lost her mind "I thought maybe this might spice things up lke your magazine article said. I wore it a few Halloween's ago, and it was either this or sexy Strawberry Shortcake." She gave him a knowing smile. "I figured this was just science fiction-y enough to peak your interest." She leaned over and whispered into his ear. "So, does this get your engine running?"

"If you are asking if I am experiencing physiological signs of arousal, such as increased breathing, blood pressure, heart rate, dilation of the pupils, and vasocongestion of the skin then," He paused and stood up, dropping the game cartridge to the floor. "_Varoom, varoom_."

Penny beamed and grabbed his hand. "Come on then." She led him towards the bedroom. "I've also got this cool plastic sword." She grinned mischievously. "So I'll show you my sword if you show me yours." She giggled, pulling on his belt loop until they disappeared into the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind them.

A few minutes later, however, Sheldon emerged from the bedroom fully dressed, his nose bleeding.

"I'm so sorry Sheldon!" Penny darted after him, her plastic sword in hand, the tip splattered with blood. "I didn't mean to….I…..was trying to be sexy."

"And you were sexy." Sheldon said, his voice nasally as he pinched his nose to control the bleeding and grabbed a kitchen towel to sop up the blood. "Until you held the sword aloft, yelling _by the power of Greyskull_—which everyone knows He Man says, not She Ra—and proceeded to smack me in the face." His eyes went cross-eyed from the pain and he reached out a hand to the counter to steady himself. "I think you broke my nose."

Penny ran to the kitchen table and grabbed her purse. "Come on," She said, grabbing the biggest coat she could find to cover up with. "Let's go to the emergency room."

***

Penny sat at the edge of the bed, her sheets tangled around her, and she held them close. Next to her sat Sheldon, stark naked. "Here, cover yourself up." She sighed, tossing her robe at him. Wordlessly he slipped the pink robe on, and when she looked over and saw his gangly, pale limbs swathed in fuzzy pink fabric with Hello Kitties all over it, it made her laugh, temporarily lifting the awkwardness between them. After a few more unsuccessful attempts, they had finally managed to make a go of it, no injuries or trips to the ER to be spoken of, but it more or less had been a let down for both of them.

"Listen, we can try again. I mean, they always say the first two or three times with someone new are not very good."

"But by my calculations, this would be our sixth time."

Penny slouched over until her head was resting on his warm shoulder. "Sonofabitch." She moaned. "Well, wanna go get a hamburger? I'm starving."

"Can't." Sheldon tensed up beside her. "It's not hamburger night."

***

Sheldon looked at the clock on Penny's night table. It read one- thirty in the morning. He had taken to sleeping over the past few nights, as they were still trying, as of yet unsuccessfully, to fix their sexual problems. He had grown accustomed to the warmth of her lying next to him, and the gentle sounds of her breathing, and he was troubled when he realized she had not yet come to bed.

Sitting up he noticed a light flooding underneath the bedroom door, coming from the living room, and heard the clacking of a keyboard. Groggily he threw back the sheets and headed towards the light, the floorboards creaking underneath his feet. When he opened the door he was temporarily blinded, but as he rubbed his eyes he could make out Penny sprawled on the floor with her back up against the wall, her laptop nestled in her lap. Her fingers were flying manically over the keyboard and she was whispering violently into a headpiece. "Go! Go! To the right! There's a dragon behind that door you fool!"

Sheldon took a step forward and this time Penny heard him and looked up. "Penny, what are you doing? It's one-thirty in the morning?"

"AFK." She whispered into the headpiece. "Just, um, playing Age of Conan."

Immediately Sheldon remembered the last time she had resorted to online video games in a time of sexual frustration. It was not pretty, and the last thing he wanted was it to happen all over again because of him. "Come on." He said, reaching down and snatching the laptop away from her. He grabbed her hand and pulled her upright. "This behavior cannot stand."

He placed the laptop on the counter and pulled her toward the bedroom forcefully.

"Sheldon!" She exclaimed, surprised and a bit excited by his sudden assertiveness. "What are you doing?"

"We're gonna have sexual intercourse." He said firmly, looking her square in the eye. "And it's gonna be spectacular this time. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

***

Penny closed her eyes and her back arched involuntarily, driving her head deeper into the pillow. Her breaths were becoming quicker and her pulse was racing. Her eyelids fluttered and she let out a moan, grabbing onto Sheldon tighter as he was doing his thing.

"Oh Sheldon." She whimpered into his ear. The pressure was building and she could barely stand it any longer. She had waited all this time, and this was it. They were finally having sex. If future Penny had come back to tell past Penny that one day she would have mind-blowing sex with the strange neighbor next door, she wouldn't have believed it. A small part of her still couldn't believe it. But it was happening. Boy was it ever. It had taken a while, but finally they had gotten their act together.

"Oh Sheldon!" She moaned again, reaching the point of no return. Her whole body convulsed and she lost control. "Oh Sheldon!" Everything was going right, she told herself. Everything was going perfectly for a change.

Penny felt him lose control the same time she did. "Oh….oh….._Sheldon_!" He called out, and Penny's eyes flipped open.

Did he just? Did he just say _his own_ name she wondered?

As he collapsed in a sweaty heap beside her she gave his forehead a kiss. "Pretty close." She giggled. "Pretty close."


End file.
